Let's start by being honest. The question about whether hooking up is a good idea, whether it is sex-positive or not, is largely a question for women. They're the ones who must weigh what they want with what they can hope for in today's competitive market for relationships. Most women prefer something more than hooking up. But given the pressures of academic achievement and career preparations, combined with the significant time investment required of real romantic relationships, hooking up is where we stand. Men, on the other hand, seem largely fine with hooking up, since their interest in sex has always been—and will always be—elevated. Relationships can wait. Jonathan Zimmerman, writing this past summer in the Chicago Tribune about the gender gap in satisfaction with hooking-up, noted how the absence of a reliable dating script plays to men's interests:

I've heard plenty of my 40- and 50-something male peers complain that they were born several decades too early [and thus missed out on hooking up]. But I have never, ever heard a woman say she'd prefer today's hooking-up system to the dating rituals we grew up with.

Roger that.

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How Hookup Culture Replaced Dating

It's obvious that hooking up is supplanting dating as the normal means by which romantic and sexual relationships get started. In a 2006 Rolling Stone exposé of Duke University sexual norms in the wake of accusations—later dropped—that Duke Lacrosse players raped a paid stripper, writer Janet Reitman remarked that "much to the disappointment of many students, female and male, there's no real dating scene at Duke." Lots of other colleges reflect this same culture. One attractive student admitted to her that she'd "never been asked out on a date in [her] entire life—not once." She's not alone. Not at all. For her, the script was to hang out, meet men at social functions, hookup, and—if she finds herself with a particular man for an extended period of time—eventually ask him to clarify their status. How passive and powerless. How bizarre.

Honestly. Do women really like it this way?

Some say they do. Most don't. Some women think that power is found in generating male desire. On the contrary, most women with a pulse can generate some male desire. Or perhaps, power is found in having sex whenever and however she wants. Again, that's not power; that's just reality. Writers examining how the hookup culture is affecting america's youth point out that casual sex and peer pressure often desensitize people to real love and commitment.

Why Casual Sex Often Feels Empty

Instead, ambivalence—especially but not exclusively among women—remains a quiet fixture of the hookup scene on most college campuses. To be sure, sex apart from security can be fun. But truly satisfying sex will remain elusive.

How did we get here? Changes in American sexual norms have come about not simply because men and women decided to think differently about sex and relationships today, or because we value freedom more than our parents did, but because the economy and society has witnessed a remarkable reorganization in the past 60 years. In 1947, 71 percent of college students were men; today that number is only about 43 percent. When there are considerably more women on campus than men, it makes romantic relationships more difficult for women to both start and navigate successfully. They have to compete for men. And when women compete for men, guess what—men win. Ironically, then, hookup culture may actually be a passive result of this demographic shift—the growing gender imbalance on campus—rather than any active change in western sexual culture. It is, I would argue, an unintended consequence.

It's obvious that hooking up is supplanting dating as the normal means by which romantic and sexual relationships get started. Analysts of modern dating apps and hookup culture describe a landscape of indecision, ghosting, and casual encounters that often undermine the development of stable relationships.

The Gender Imbalance And Women’s Power

By now, however, the hookup norm is not so easily altered. Most women don't know how to work around it, or they fear that in doing so, men will ignore them. So plenty acquiesce. They try to put a good face on it. They tell each other things like, "it's all good," even when it's not.

Unfortunately, the prospect that women will collectively demand that men actually treat them well in order for the privilege of being in her company isn't likely anytime soon. In part that's because women no longer need men. Like them? Yes. Need them? No. Back when they did, women protected and policed each other in the domain of relationships. This, of course, is no longer the case. Women who prefer commitment and security in their sexual relationships now can only hope for it. Not much power in that.

Some dating writers suggest that if a woman chooses a fling, she should at least follow clear casual relationship rules, so she understands the emotional trade-offs and keeps her long-term goals in view rather than drifting along in a script she did not write.

Choosing Hookups Versus Holding Out For More

What to do? Give in and hook up? You can, and many will. But I wouldn't recommend it. While I can't assure that the road ahead to a stable relationship is guaranteed, women would do well to remember men's secret. They want you. Badly. If women remember that sex has considerable "exchange value," they are more apt to get what they want: security, responsibility, attention, affection, exclusivity, and commitment. That is power. It won't be easy, since the numbers aren't in their favor. But to give up and hookup will guarantee only sex. And that isn't much of an accomplishment.